I am the problem.

I am both sad and angry. I am sad because our world is broken. I am sad because of lives lost. I am sad because this world is violent, unjust, sinful and wrong. I am angry because I did not say anything earlier, I am angered by inaction and lack of dialogue in my own community. I am angered by complacency, self-righteousness and stiffness to change. But what saddens me the most is coming to the conclusion that I am more part of the problem than I am part of the solution.

I don’t believe that the world can be divided into racists and non-racists. We all have underlying biases, presumptions, and stereotypes that we believe even though we may not necessarily be conscious of it. We may not be holding that gun or have a knee to a neck. But we may be that ‘Karen’ in the park, the person holding the camera, or the police officer who does nothing. It is easy to sit in front of a screen and watch videos, read the news, and listen to podcasts and assume that you are not a racist and that you would not do something so terrible. I do not expect people to stand up and proclaim that they are racist…

BUT,

If you heard about Ahmaud Arbery and you bring up the break in,
If you saw George Floyd, and you wondered what happened seconds before,
If you heard Christian Cooper, and ask what the person behind the camera looked like,
If your heart is not broken over what has happened in these past weeks…
CHANGE. THE. QUESTION.  Do not assume you are not the problem.

This is not about who is right or wrong, or even necessarily what is just or unjust. We are not the Judge, and we will never be. Not one of us is good, not even one.  This is about the human race. This is about individuals who were created in the likeness of God. This is about people who are being hurt by other people, not just physically but emotionally. Let’s have fruitful discussion, let’s get to the root, let’s question ourselves.

Ask your present self and your future self…

Could I, through my biases, beliefs and stereotypes potentially hurt someone in the black community? If yes, what am I going to change and how?

How can I constructively stand and support the black community?

What can I do to change the future biases of generations in the future?

I do not know the answer to these questions … and that for me, is part of the problem.

friends who give donuts and more.

This year, I am thankful for generous, God-fearing, faithful, sacrificial, sweet, donut-giving friendships. This year has been rough. I lost my permanent job in April, only to ‘get it back’ at the end of June. The next day I learned that it was a clerical mistake. A week later I received a full year LTO, in the same school working with the population I love, and staff that I admire. But as rough as it has been, the Lord has continued to show His faithfulness in many ways. Part of that has been through my friendships.

These friends are generous, driving many kilometres simply to leave a basketful of goodies at the door. But more than just gifts, they are generous with their time. And that above all has meant the world to me. They spend their time with me and they love on me. They spend time praying for me and they check up on me. They leave obnoxious voicemails, loving messages, and listen to my crying, sobbing voice through the phone. They tag along on dates and go out of their way to make sure that I am okay.

Below is a picture of me with swollen, red eyes eating a krispy kreme donut. Obviously not the type of picture I would post on Christian Mingle, but a picture that I want to remember. What you don’t see is the friend who drove those krispy kreme donuts to my house, dropped them off in my mail box and left me a loving voicemail. I called this friend just minutes later only to find myself unable to coherently communicate because of all of the tears and gasps of air. In addition to telling me that everything was going to be okay, in addition to supporting me and loving me, in addition to listening to my broken voice, she pointed me to the Lord. She told me to get down on my knees and be thankful, to renew a grateful attitude within me and to remind myself of what I already have and to be thankful for the circumstance that I am in. Not many friends would say that. Find friends who will tell you hard truths and who will keep you accountable and not just ‘accept you for who you are’. Also, find friends who buy you krispy kreme donuts.

The beauty of these friendships is that they challenge me to be a better friend. They remind me of the grace and mercy that I am already a recipient of. The way that my friends sacrificially love me makes me want to sacrificially love others. We expect our friendships to be a two way street. We expect friends to mutually ask for coffee dates and to mutually care for each other. When discussing a trying friendship with another friend, she pointed me to this verse:  love one another with brotherly affection, and outdo one another in showing honour (Romans 12:10).  We are called to love one another as Christ loves us – to reach out an infinite number of times, and to forgive as we have been forgiven.

We classify relationships as giving relationships or taking relationships, hoping that we will find mutual friendships that will be sustainable and steadfast. Yet, when we reflect on our own friends, somehow we always end up being the giving one. Given the math, that can’t be possible. We keep track of when we have given a ride, a gift, a favour, a meal, our time, and our efforts, forgetting to be grateful for what we have received in return.

The gospel is not mutual, and sometimes, neither are friendships.
But I should give grace because I know the grace that has been given me.
I should be a better friend because I know the sacrificial love of a saviour.
I should be the friend to others that others have been to me. 

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. – Philippians 2:3-4

Lord > Ford

The staff lunch room is filled with red, social media profiles are flooded with angry hashtags and tweets, #nocutstoeducation and #RedforEd fills my newsfeeds. I bring up my calculator as a way to give me hope, reminiscent of my university exam days – trying to see what I need to achieve a pass. But in this case, I calculate how many are below me on the seniority list. 56. If only 56 people lose their job, then I will be safe. What a selfish thought.

There is a fear of uncertainty, a loss of hope, lack of confidence, a knowledge of insecurity, a moment of hesitation, a questioning stance, an anxious attitude, and a weighty feeling amidst all of these changes. It has been a long five years before the arrival of this permanent job. This is what the occasional teachers have longed for –  permanence, comfort & security, and I may not have it for much longer.

But then, I can’t help but laugh. I am not here by my own merit, my own plan, but by God’s grace. I wish I could map out a timeline for you of how the Lord has provided for me in this journey. Take the year where I did not have an LTO, only to have 4, and not a day without work. Or the process of getting this permanent job in which there was rejection, rejecting, perfectly timed phone calls, and perfectly ordained interactions. This was not me. I am in this place, at this time, because the Lord has willed for me to be here, just as Doug Ford and Lisa MacLeod have been set as authorities over this province (for now). There is no reason to fear them, for I worship the one who is ultimately in control, the one who is sovereign over all, the one who knows the days that are formed for me before there were any (Ps 139:16). Sounds like a better plan than fearing and trusting in any union or in any government.

As I look at it, these are the outcomes:
1) if <56 people get their permanent jobs revoked, I will give glory to God.
2) if ≥56 people get their permanent jobs revoked, I will give glory to God.

There is but one outcome. 

I will choose to have a(n)…
Fear of uncertainty of the Lord ,not of Doug Ford, (Ps 33:8)
Loss of  hope in God’s promises which find their ‘yes’ in Him, (2 Cor 1:20)
Lack of confidence that He hears my prayers, (1 John 5:13-14)
knowledge of insecurity in my salvation, (Phil 1:6)
moment of hesitation eagerness to glorify Him and make Him known, (Matt 5:16)
questioning stance assurance in the kingdom of God and my final destination, (Heb 11) 
anxious attitude reliance on the workings of the Holy Spirit, (John 6:63)
a weighty feeling freedom from my sins, for which Jesus has sacrificed (John 8:36)
And a peace that surpasses all understanding. (Phil 4:6-7)

I will wear #RedforEd, but without forgetting that there is a greater red to be remembered, a crimson love that took place on the cross, the blood of Jesus that was shed for my sin so that I could be saved and find eternal life in Him.

In Him, we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which He lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of His will, according to His purpose, which he set forth in Christ.  – Ephesians 1:7-9

But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ – by grace you have been saved – and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.  – Ephesians 2:6-9

Numbed by Netflix

The credits roll and the small timer starts counting down until the next episode. ‘Might as well’ she thinks to herself, ‘this will be the last one’. Before she knows it, she’s 3, okay maybe 6 episodes in, when she only wanted to watch one.

I could describe many of my nights, and perhaps my days with the little paragraph above. Somehow, I would rather spend time with the people in my laptop than real life human beings. And yet, if you were to ask me what I just watched, if I enjoyed it, and what it was really about, I would barely be able to tell you. Anyone else see a problem with that?

My brain doesn’t seem to function without this constant feed of entertainment and mindless noise. I am not sure I am even enjoying what I am watching anymore, but I do know that I continue to scroll through the automatic trailers, looking for something to fill up my time. There is something unsettling, even uncomfortable about the silence. Silence forces me to think, remember, reflect, meditate and pray.

But Netflix serves as such a powerful distraction. I can live vicariously through others, I can forget all of the current problems. I can run from the issues and confrontations that I have had that day. For a couple of hours, I no longer have to plan that lesson, write that paper, read that convicting passage. I do not have to wonder if I should have talked to that co-worker more politely, or shared the gospel with a peer. I do not have to be convicted by the gossip I flirted with earlier that day, or the self-righteousness that clothes me on a daily basis. I don’t have to feel guilty that I have spent hours watching Netflix, but have yet to turn to the Lord in prayer. I can do that later right? I don’t have to worry about feeling guilty about this habitual sin of mine, because I know that others are struggling with the same. This is MY time… right? But therein lies the problem.

I am numbed by Netflix.

I am numb. Currently numb. Unable to think, process, not wanting to feel. Replace the word Netflix with any form of entertainment, and you will likely find me guilty of it. I have replaced critical thinking, emotional feelings, healthy despair, compassionate sensitivity, necessary repentance, and Godly dependance with Netflix. Netflix, is not bad in and of itself, but I have slowly watered it, grown it into my best friend, a need in my life, an escape…. an idol. I have developed more of a dependance on Netflix than I have on prayer and the word of God.

On this Christmas morn, I am reminded by the birth of Jesus, the incarnation of God and the beauty of His Glory, yet while this truth resonates in my mind, I can feel the need for Netflix trying to crawl its way to the front. Netflix and entertainment in general, is the “weight and sin which clings so closely” (Hebrews 12:1), preventing me from “running with endurance the race that is set before us”.  Don’t get me wrong, Netflix isn’t the only idol and sin in my life (don’t get me started on food), but currently it consumes most of my mind, my thoughts… His time that He has bestowed on me.

Matt Papa, in his book, Look and Live, challenges his readers to ask the Holy spirit to “lift the veil” for them; the veil that is preventing us from seeing the glory of the Lord. I have found myself repeating that phrase on multiple occasions. Papa quotes 2 Corinthians 3:16 ‘But when one turns to the Lord, the veil is removed’. I know what I have to do, I just have to do it. Instead of pressing play, I need to pause and look to the Lord. So that ‘I, with unveiled face, can behold the glory of the Lord, and be transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another’ – 2 Corinthians 3:18.

I hope that time spent in silence will stir me, stir me to good works, stir me to repentance, allow me to feel again, and  face my issues and worries face on. I hope that time spent with the Lord will be just that, I want to be able to hear His voice again, and to grow in dependance in Him. I want to be able to say that I am completely satisfied by Him, leaving it all behind to reach for more of Him. I want Him to lead my life, rather than asking Him to bless the decisions that I have made for myself. Remove this weight Lord, lift this veil, help me to see YOUR glory. 

“The brightness of Your glory has arrived. In Your presence God, I’m completely satisfied. For You, I sing, I dance. I rejoice in this divine romance. Lift my heart and my hands to show my love.” – Divine, Phil Wickham. 

 

Beauty.

I walked into the classroom as he slid down on his rocking chair. Eyes of mischief and with a steady grin on his face, I approached him to say hello. He tilted his head in response, eyes transfixed on my face and with his quiet and gentle tone of voice I heard…” your face, SQUEEZE IT!” He gently reached his hand up to my cheek and pushed it into my face. 

I have been reading a book called “The Reason I Jump”, a book answering frequent questions that might be posed to someone with Autism. The author, Naoki Higashida, has autism and has written the book by pointing to letters of the Japanese alphabet. Yesterday, I was reading the answer to the question: When you look at something, what do you see first? To which, part of his response was “Sometimes I actually pity you for not being able to see the beauty of the world in the same way we do… Every single thing has its own unique beauty. People with Autism get to cherish this beauty as if it’s a kind of blessing given to us. Wherever we go, Whatever we do, we can never be completely lonely. We may look like we are not with anyone, but we’re always in the company of friends.”

I read that page twice, allowing the words to sink in as a grin swept across my face as I thought of how my students constantly see the beauty in the small things around them…

She looks at pieces of paper and plastic bags like they are $100 dollar bills. She takes an empty chip bag and rips it up meticulously into small pieces, not allowing one piece to be missed and fall to the floor. She grins as she lets the pieces fall in between her fingers.

He stops in front of each classroom, allowing his fingers to trace over the raised edges of the classroom numbers. 118, he whispers to himself as he moves on to the next sign.  

In the morning he selects a tub of Playdoh. A tub of Playdoh that is so dearly loved, but is never opened. It is slightly moist from being gripped all day, but is proudly shown to all those who pass by him as if he were gripping a gold medal. 

He plays the same videos over and over again, rehearsing the different stops going west on the 401. I am not quite sure how many views that youtube video has, but I am almost certain, they are all from him. 

Her fingers slide back and forth on the computer screen in front of her. A video is playing… a video of someone else playing a video game on the Nintendo DS. It makes no difference to her. 

He stares at his fingers and smiles, rubbing his hands together and moving them back and forth from his face. He could do this all day, with such joy and contentment. 

He sneaks the unsharpened pencil into his desk. It might be his Kepltomania… But I am choosing to see this as beauty. 

I wish I could see beauty the same way my students do.
I wish I could appreciate rather than fuss about small details.
I wish I could see things for what they are, rather than what they are missing.

They have so much to teach us, I have so much to learn.

Today.

Today I picture God as a freight train holding up a stop sign with a loud speaker, blowing a horn and gracefully yelling… “you need me…”. All the while, He opens his arms, eyes transfixed on us, simply waiting for us to embrace Him.

Today I picture the Lord wincing at my sin, grieving over harsh words, and yet gently turning me around and saying “right that wrong… not because you can, but because I can.”

Today I picture the Lord chuckling to Himself over what an amazing invention the Stairmaster is, as He watches my beads of sweat drop to the floor.

Today I picture the Lord as Violet Parr from the Incredibles, literally casting a shield of protection over His children.

Today I picture the Lord’s hands pressed on both my cheeks, gently forcing me to look at Him, as my eyes try to sneak a peak at the Olympic Games.

Today I picture the Lord standing behind me, giving me that little push forward.

Today I picture the Lord beside me, with His arm around my shoulder whispering in my ear “Trust me. Remember the Cross?  I’ve got this… I’ve got you.” 

Thank you Lord, for necessary desperate days like today.

 

From your unmarried friend.

Let me start by saying that this letter is addressed to no one in particular, but rather a summation of thoughts that have been on my heart. I have incredible friends, married and single, and I rejoice in all of them. I have many friendships that have changed over the years as a result of marriage, and new and wonderful friendships that have developed because of it. This letter is a letter of ideal, written from the perspective of thankfulness. Some of the things mentioned, I experience all the time, and others, I wished I experienced more. I hope in some way, I am echoing the thoughts of fellow unmarried friends, while encouraging my married friends to continue to love us in the way that you do… or perhaps be moved to start. 

Dear Married Friend,

Thankfulness doesn’t seem to explain it. This friendship has been an incredible blessing in my life. I am thankful for your honesty and for your transparency and for giving me a glimpse of a most intimate and precious relationship. I am thankful for invitations to your home and for your hospitality. How encouraging it is to see a couple who loves on others while they love each other!

Thank you for allowing me, as a single, to see that marriage isn’t the ultimate goal, but that your marriage has continued to spur you on in love and good works as you continue to seek the Lord and glorify Him. Your pursuit of the Lord together is encouraging. I see your marriage and the way that you love and serve God together, a high standard it has set for me as I also long for marriage.

I can’t yet understand marriage, mainly because I am not married. And yet you continue to bless me with yours! Can I tell you how grateful I am that you share your struggles, allowing me to not idolize marriage, but to prepare for it. Marriage is not butterflies and rainbows, but rather an ongoing commitment in choosing to sacrificially love one another. Thank you for being realistic with me and using your marriage as a way to encourage and not put down.

I am grateful because you do not define me as a single, but you look at me as a fellow sister in Christ. I may not be able to relate to what you are going through, but I appreciate your openness, transparency and honesty. I want to pray for you and see your marriage flourish and be fruitful. I struggle with ongoing sin, sometimes thinking that marriage will be a fix to all my desires. And yet as a Christ follower, our journey, struggles, endurance and battle continue until the day when we are face to face with Christ. Let us continue to journey together, despite the different life stages that we may be in.

Lastly, thank you for making the effort in our friendship. Sometimes, I am not sure if I am intruding on quality time with your spouse and family, and so I am more hesitant to initiate. This makes the time that we spend together all the more precious and blessed. I appreciate the time that you carve out for me, although I do look forward to the day when I too can bring my spouse. Speaking of which, let me know if you know anyone 😉

You have used the marriage that God has blessed you with to bless others, all the while encouraging me in my walk with Christ, and in my singleness. I am incredibly grateful for this gift of friendship.

With love and gratefulness,

Your unmarried… & single friend.

 

More…

I pressed play,  the video started and the words “evangelism, gospel, Jesus, discipleship, God’s love” rang and repeated throughout the one minute and forty six seconds. I was in a secular environment, an environment where religion is respected, but faith is not discussed. I starred, looking forward, nervous and scared of the responses that this video might elicit. Afraid to make eye contact, and yet wishing that I could read the thoughts of the people in the room around me. It felt like the longest minute and forty six seconds, as I tried to determine my next actions, my next words. It wasn’t a pleasant feeling, but it was necessary. This leads me to…

More discomfort.
I want to be uncomfortable in this world. Don’t get me wrong, I want my pants and shoes to fit correctly and my mosquito bites to not itch, but I want my faith to challenge me. I want the gospel to drive me to have hard conversations in love and to give up certain luxuries for the sake of serving others. It’s the attitude of my heart that needs to change, because right now, I am sitting at home in my pajamas, with a handful of chocolate chips  thinking of my next Roots purchase. I want to be bold and entrust my life to the Lord, knowing that whatever suffering and affliction that I might encounter, there is a purpose. I long to be transformed by the word and not conformed to the world. I want to be uncomfortable.

{The above was written two months ago – not much has changed other than I am currently off of sugar, and trying not to spend money on unnecessary items… such as Roots purchases. The following, was written today.}

More Prayer
Does anyone else treat prayer like a diet? I can readily admit that in my walk and pursuit of Christ, prayer has been my greatest struggle. This morning I wrote the following after my God time: “May Your word and prayer be the weapons that I turn to today.” Little did I know that this prayer would be answered by my car failing to starting this morning. The dreaded sound of what sounds like the start of an engine… only to have it lead to silence. After a couple of tries, I sauntered inside while making a mental list of who I should call – my co-workers, my father, my mechanic, CAA – all those seemed more productive than calling on the Lord. And yet… one prayer later, my car started. Our God is a BIG God, who hears our prayers. It is the most productive thing I can do, and yet it is the very thing I fail to do the most...

More Vulnerability
I realize this year how much I appreciate the vulnerability and openness of others. This year, my relationships have taught me that vulnerability reveals the strength of the individual, and the authenticity of a relationship. Vulnerability is difficult for me, and yet necessary for me to become less, and for Christ to become more – for His strength to be shown in my weakness. It brings me great joy to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep (Rom 12:15) – I am thankful for the times that I have been able to both rejoice and weep with others this year and for the friendships that have taught me the importance of vulnerability as we walk and grow in the Lord together.

More Care
This year I am trying to care for people. Mainly because this is something that I do not do well. It is much easier to care for myself…  with Netflix & Food for example- both of which likely occupy my thoughts more than they should *cough*idols*cough. I am learning that caring for people is difficult, tiring, selfless and hard. It takes time, thought, money and effort. ALL of which, if I weren’t a follower of Jesus, I would like to keep to myself…. but alas (yes I said alas), I am. Let me also add that it is hard to care for people and be HUMBLE about it. Especially because I’m pretty proud of myself… AND I want people to know… but not even my right hand should know about my left is doing… which is pretty hard considering they can get pretty “hands”y with each other…. heh. All that to say… caring for people is hard, but I’m going to try to do it anyway.

So thats it…
More discomfort. More prayer. More vulnerability. More care….and ultimately… More of Him, less of me. 

I vow…

Tomorrow is the start of a new school year. I am filled with anxiety of not knowing what is to come, and yet anxious because I do not know what I am anxious about. So here, I write.

In all honesty, insecurities have set in. I am going into my 5th year of occasional teaching, not yet securing a permanent teaching job. It is humbling to set foot in yet another classroom for a set period of time, currently unaware of what is going to happen past February 2018. There is an underlying tone of competition that occurs between conversations with other teachers; a secret envy of those who have gotten contracts and a sigh of relief when someone else is in the same boat as me. Should I do more – more extracurriculars, more to get noticed, more additional qualifications, more for the students, more for the teachers, more for the administration?

Jaded – is what some teachers call it, and yet I am reminded of the faithfulness of God in even providing me with constant work for the past couple of years. God has placed me in different schools every year, using me to plant seeds, to be the light, to share the gospel, to encourage, to serve. This year I will be working with three different classes – what an opportunity for God to be working through me. Because I work for a BIG God, a God who is bigger than seniority numbers, administration and failed interviews, a sovereign God who has a plan and who works all things out for my good.

More than that, I am not working for a permanent, stable, comfortable job with summers off and great benefits (though upon typing this out, I wouldn’t turn it down). I am working to seek first the Kingdom of God, to build His kingdom here and to give Him all the glory. I pray that I will be reminded of that this year; if I happen to forget, feel free to remind me.

“Our calling is simple, Reflect the image and the likeness of Jesus Christ and tell everyone around us how much we love Him” – Tim Hamer on Mission: Seek First the Kingdom of God

So with that being said, I make the following vows this year (with the help of the Holy Spirit, because I definitely can’t do this on my own)…
1. I vow to work for the Lord with all my heart, mind and strength.  (Matthew 22:37-40)
2. I vow to make Him known through my words, my actions, my efforts, my service. (Matthew 12:33-37)
3. I vow to build His Kingdom, not my own. (Matthew 6:33)
4. I vow to remember my identity in Christ, and come to Him with my insecurities. (Galatians 2:20)
5. I vow to praise Him, to thank Him, and to remember what He has done. (Psalm 9:1-2)

“But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” – Matthew 6:33-34 (ESV)

I read the above verses of Matthew 6 in mid-August, not allowing the words to make much of an impact. I read them again on August 28th, out of error thinking that it was Matthew 16. And yet while reading,  the words seemed new and fresh, a word of encouragement that I needed to hear, and a word that God prepared for me that morning. A few days later, I listened to a sermon preached on those verses… coincidence? I think not. God sure has a way of making a point.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise, Thou mine Inheritance, now and always: Thou and Thou only, first in my heart, High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.
– Be Thou my Vision 

My year in 5 words.

Faithful. This year, I experienced the tangible faithfulness of God. If in the future, I ever complain of God’s lack of faithfulness, please remind me of the 2016-2017 school year as an incredible display of God’s faithfulness. I started the year off with no potential LTOs, only to have 5 consecutive ones this year – I got called in for a week long job on the first day of school that turned into 4 weeks. A few weeks later, I was serving at a church event which resulted in turning down interviews because I could not make it there in time, only to have two jobs offered to me 20 minutes later. Months later, I was turning into a prayer meeting as a vice principal called me to offer me a job until the end of the year. Through my lack of trust, my fear of man and my tendency to complain, God’s faithfulness remains steadfast. I know that my God is faithful, but what an incredible way to experience His faithfulness this year.

Servant. This word has been on my heart for the past couple of months, reminding me of what I should be, who I should strive to be like and the attitude I should have in serving others. But truly, this has been one of my greatest struggles – to serve without expecting anything in return, to serve the people that I do not like, to serve when I do not feel like it. I want to be a servant. I want to be a servant of God and a servant of others. Two words come into my mind – hospitality and humility. Both of which I am lacking… which brings me to my next word..

Pride. Pride today seems to be have a positive connotation and yet if you could hear my thoughts on a daily basis as I drive in the car, it would not only encompass pride, but impatience, anger and likely hatred. I hope no one soon acquires the superpower of reading people’s minds, because i would have zero friends. This year, there have been times when pride has been flashing in large red letters as if warning me to not let it interfere with my relationships, my attitude, my job. And yet more often that that, it has been more like a check engine light, warning me that something needs to change and yet I procrastinate or tell myself that it can wait, there are other pressing issues to deal with. Pride – God has given me a reality check this year. I am scared to ask for God to humble me, because… I have… and well, he does. God has made my pride evident to me this year. And I am not proud of it… ha.

Dating. HAHAHAHA.
Get it? Because my dating life is a joke.
But yeah that happened this year, feel free to read more about it here  and here. 

Perseverance. I struggled with choosing this last word. Because unlike the last, this year has been hard. I did not enjoy every day at work, and my various jobs were met with quite unique challenges. Yes, it might have taken perseverance to go to work every day, whatever. But more than that it took perseverance for me to open my bible in the morning and read the Word… even when I did not feel like it. I went through a little bit of a dry spell… when I wasn’t feeling the Lord, and my reading was simply routine. In fact, I am still slowly trying to climb up, I want to be at a place when I am in love with the word again, and looking forward to my time with Him, rather than viewing it as a chore. I want to pray out of necessity not just out of want. Continuing to persevere in prayer and in His word has been one of the most difficult challenges this year and still continues to be.