I think I am struggling with God – not with unbelief, but with experiencing Him passionately. It feels like I am standing in a splash pad with no running water. I know what I am supposed to be doing – I am ready, dressed and willing, and yet there is no flowing water.
Last week in Romania, we sat in a packed van and sang our hearts out to the Lord our God, after seeing the way that he worked in the gypsy camp. We left the van and almost all of the girls were in tears – experiencing the depth and the works of the Holy Spirit on their hearts. My eyes were dry, not a tear in sight. I wanted to cry, I wanted to feel the works of the Holy Spirit working in me again. He is working in me, I am learning and my heart is being changed, and yet I don’t feel that passion or that conviction. Rather I feel the heaviness of my prideful heart, while I long for the tears of emotion.
I am searching for that feeling, the feeling of experiencing God and being overwhelmed by his presence. I know that I am wrong to think that this feeling can be fulfilled by you, or by watching a romantic comedy, and yet I would rather numb my mind and gravitate to mindless entertainment than finding rest and meditation in His word. Reading the bible has lately become a box that I check daily and a page that I fill in my notebook. I have read the word and yet where is the obedience and fruit?
I feel lukewarm. I know it is a job that only the Holy Spirit can complete. I need to get down on my knees and yet, I do not know what I would say.
I am a sinner. He loves me. And I am redeemed. Of this I am sure. I can’t seem to articulate much else.