In recent conversations with co-workers and friends, discussions about significant others and persons of interests often reveal themselves. In honesty, I admit that there is someone that I am interested (not invested) in – someone that has intrigued me and that I could potentially see myself in a relationship with. Then comes the advice that says “Ask him out for coffee”, “Tell him how you feel” – and the more I listen, the more I entertain the thought in my head… What if I ask him out for coffee, what if I message him on facebook, What if I reveal my interest and take the risk of making the first step. I ponder and I ponder, and the recurring thought comes to my mind: “Let Me write your Love story” He says – ever so gently and ever so lovingly.
This thought is not new to me, but years ago, I wanted Christ to write my love story with the ending that I wanted. I thought “Oh, but wouldn’t it be glorifying to God if the boy I liked comes to know Christ… but really only so that I could date him?” I bet you know the ending to that story – God did not answer that prayer with a “yes” (though I still pray for his salvation). But now, I am more open to a Christ-written love story. My desires, my longings, my yearnings – all fulfilled in the ultimate love story that just so happens to be the gospel. I say it is enough, and most of the time it is – there are many days where I desire marriage and a loving spouse more than I desire Christ – only to be reminded of being joyfully content and the sufficiency of the love of Christ.
I watched a wedding video a few hours ago (posted below), I absolutely love marriages and weddings that put Christ on display as their first love, complementing each other while understanding that they are only made complete with Christ. This, THIS is what why I want to be married. If my marriage does not exemplify the love of Christ in my life, and does not push me to fall more in love with Him – then forget marriage. Yes, forget marriage. I want my marriage to not only glorify Christ, but to push me towards Him. I may regret saying this later on, but I want my spouse to help me see my sin, walking with me along the process of sanctification & righteousness. In the wedding video, a bridesmaid speaks of the providence of God and His Hand in the relationship. That line gave me chills – oh to think of how I can speak of the providence & sovereignty of Christ in any future relationship that I have, and use that to testify His glory and His grace!
Lately, I have been struggling with doubts – another voice that says “that man is too good for you”, “Why would he like YOU?”, “you think you have a chance with him?” I have to constantly remind myself that these thoughts are not from Christ. And today during my reading in Isaiah, I come across the following verses:
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. – Isaiah 55:8-9.
Immediately thankfulness overwhelmed my heart today during my quiet time. Could you imagine, if His thoughts were like ours, oh how much more corrupt, disgusting, perverted and evil would this world be? I am reminded then of what God thinks of me – beautiful and saved, made clean and righteous by His blood. This was not the first wave of thoughts, nor will it be the last, but His thoughts are higher than my thoughts and His ways higher than my ways. What a high bar to set! The bar of Christ himself.
I will admit that this is the first time that I have prayed that these feelings for this particular person are not in vain, and if they are that they will disappear quickly. Ultimately my hope, my trust and my faith is in Christ, not in a future relationship or marriage. I do want Christ to continue to write this love story, the love story between me and Him, and the love story between me and whoever else He chooses for my life. I will wait patiently for Him to work in my relationships, rather than try to take the reigns in my own hands. And I hope that when the time comes, that he will see the love of Christ in me, I hope that is all that he is looking for, because that is all I truly want to be known for. But I am content in my singleness and in the sufficiency of Christ in my life as truly being all that I need.