scramble.

Today, we had to send a student home. I looked at him as he pleaded to stay at school, and all I could think of was: what else can I do? What else could I have done? I hate his behaviour, and the choices that he makes, but I love him as a person and as a student. I have six students in my Special Education class. Yes; just six. But trust me, six is quite enough. Along with my team, I never thought that I could care for people any more. I can confidently say that I look forward to my job every day. I love seeing them enter the school as I stand in the hallway with that spring in their step. Sometimes they don’t say anything at all, but sometimes I hear “How was your weekend?, Good! ” She isn’t asking me how my weekend was, oh no, but rather she’s telling me that she wants me to ask her how HER weekend was. Sometimes random laughter erupts, and I know that some sort of joy and engagement is found in the activity. And sometimes I am soothing cries, and screams because all the student wants to do is look out the window or sleep. I am doing my best, but I could still give more, – we can always do more – but how much more. How much do I want to give to my job?

I sat in the staff meeting today looking at all the different staff members, thinking to myself – These guys have families, children, spouses and yet here they are: coaching teams, running tutoring programs, going on leadership field trips, and teaching a full course load,  attending SAC meetings, participating in brownies, the list goes on. I could do so much more, but yet I’m struggling to see what else I am passionate about besides teaching & developmental disabilities. I want to be involved in Best Buddies, Would it be leadership, SAC? I don’t know else I would fit in, where else I could give my best because I wanted to not because I feel like I have to impress the VPs or the Principals. I don’t want to look at it as a competition for a job, or as motivation to please others. What if I looked at it a little differently? What if I looked at every extra opportunity as another opportunity to be a light in this world – not to please others, but to love others, the way that Christ loves me. What if I looked at extracurriculars as a way to share the gospel, and to share God’s love, rather than as a way to get a job? That would be hard – but at least I have a different perspective on it. Though that still doesn’t give me answer to my questions.

I opened my bible today, looking for answers, reading my regular plan but yet hoping that God will tell me explicitly what to do, or if my inaction is wrong; Bold the words in my bible, put them all in CAPS or something. I was met with King Hezekiah, and King Manasseh, which was valuable – but not what I was looking for. Yes, you can imagine me glaring at the the Lord and His word right now… but lovingly.

Sandra, Stop comparing yourself to others, and start comparing yourself to Christ. How do you feel now? Don’t forget your first love – Christ – Let HIM be your motivation and my ultimate goal – so much easier said than done. “ But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first. Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent, and do the works you did at first. If not, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place, unless you repent.” – Revelations 2:4-5. 

I realize that this post is a mix of everything, non linear, and scramble of different thoughts. But sometimes, I feel more comfortable sharing things in this type of outlet, where I have a chance to think, reflect and process, rather than in a conversation with other people – prone to their judgment, opinion and unnecessary advice. Here, I am open, sometimes vulnerable, I lay it all out, not for your benefit or entertainment, but for mine.

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