Insecure, but made Righteous.

** I wrote half of this post before I left for church. While sitting in the congregation, it felt like God targeted me and my insecurities by focusing the message directly at my heart, and allowing me to see my insecurities as sinful because I took the opinions of others and myself and made them bigger than the opinions of Christ. This God.** 

This feeling of not being enough – of not being good enough, beautiful enough, smart enough. I am sure everyone encounters those insecurities at some point in their lives. I never thought that I would be one of those girls who doesn’t think themselves worthy of someone.  I have always been confident in my abilities, in my identity, in my character. The thought entered my mind the other day – I am not good enough, not skinny enough, not beautiful enough… not godly enough, and it reminded me of what I felt when I did not know what it meant to love Christ, when I idolized relationships – the approval and acceptance of a specific person.

It made me reflect on the source of my past insecurities – and it brought me back to my relationship/friendship with Mike. I completely idolized that relationship, it overcame me to the point where it would be the first thing that I would think about in the morning, and the last thing that I thought about at night. My day wasn’t complete until I talked to him, every day was consumed with questions: “When would I see him next?” “How much time would I be able to spend with him?”. This lasted for years – and even when the “relationship” ended – I would still search facebook, messenger, and even skype to see what he was up to – he had completely control over my heart, my mind, and my time. And yet, I still felt like I was not enough for him; Enough what? to this day I have no idea – but I felt insecure, unsure of myself, my security and my confidence at that point was directly correlational to his feelings for me which included empty promises and compliments.

During those years, God decided to reveal Himself to me, and taught me about my identity in Him as a daughter of the LORD. God turned my heart of insecurity and wrongful worship into a heart of forgiveness and confidence in the salvation and in the Gospel. Insecurities are always going to enter my mind, and they did… yesterday. Last night, I wrote the beginning of this post with a different mindset, only to be reminded of my identity in Christ – and His righteousness that is found in me because of the grace and mercy of the LORD. I am never going to be good enough for the standards of man or of this world, and that is alright with me – because I am declared righteous and the opinion of Christ matters more to me than the opinion of Man. I am convicted more by my sin – and falling short of the glory of God than I am of the opinions of others and their worldly standards. I know that my identity is found in Christ, His righteousness is is placed on us, and I am made beautiful by my creator.

To my future beloved:
I promise to be your helper, I will strive to be the woman who fears the LORD in Proverbs 31, and I promise to love you.
But please know that my confidence and my identity will not be found in you and will not be found in our relationship. Because ultimately I promise that I will love Christ above all else – His opinion will matter before yours. My identity will be found in my salvation and in the grace and mercy of the Gospel. I will submit to your authority, because you love me just as Christ loves the church. I will prioritize my relationship with Christ before my relationship with you and my focus will be on my righteousness and heart transformation before my outward appearance. I promise you that I will feel insecure and I promise that I will not blame you as the source of these insecurities, but rather my failure to prioritize the opinion and thoughts of God. My goal will not be to please you, but to please Christ as the ultimate authority and foundation of our relationship. And with that I am confident that our relationship will be strong, abundant with love, God glorifying, fruitful, obedient, and filled with the greatest joy. I’m excited to know you and for us to know Christ together.

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