i like you.

I am not really fond of this sentence, nor am i fond of the particular feeling.

i used to ask: how do you know when you like someone?

i guess when you are trying to get over someone, sometimes the feeling can be kinda cloudy. but i like someone right now. so im pretty sure i know the answer to this question.

my palms dont always get sweaty, and my heart doesnt always start beating faster. i dont always stutter my words. but i find that when something happens, he is the first person i want to tell. I see things everyday that remind me of him, which makes me want to talk to him even more. i overanalyze everything. i wonder what he meant when he said something the way he did, or when he does something that may be unexpected. I am constantly wondering what he is doing, and what he is thinking. After spending time with him, i find myself constantly smiling, going over the events in my head wondering when im going to see him again. I look past his flaws and come to find that im willing to accept the quirks and bad habits that make him who he is.

but to be honest, i really hate this feeling, and i really want to get rid of it. while fleeting crushes are fun, harmless, and superficial. anything more than that is slightly harder to handle, because my heart is involved, im vulnerable, and getting hurt is definitely a possibility.

1) i hate that i have expectations. i rather i have no expectations. I want to be able to hang out with him again and not expect anything in terms of actions, words or behaviour. expectations lead to disappointments. when i didnt like him i didnt expect anything. and I was content. but now i want things to go a certain way, and when they dont, i feel disappointed. and when they do, i am absolutely thrilled. i just want things to go back to the way they were… before. no expectations, no disappointments.

2) i hate that it has become a hindrance to my worship. the thoughts of him sometimes intrude especially when i dont want them to. I hate this. i hate that it hinders my worship. yesterday during worship i found my thoughts drifting to him. i found thoughts of him intruding on my time with God. and i prayed that it would just stop. i dont want anything to hinder my worship, i dont want anything or anyone to take the place of God when i am worshiping.

3) i hate that it is not mutual. obviously if the feeling were mutual, it wouldnt be such a huge problem. but it isnt, as far as im concerned. or so i assume. as of right now, i am so blessed to have him as a friend in my life. i really dont want to settle for anything less. so i need to get over it.

4) i hate waiting. i hate waiting for the feelings to go away. waiting on God is the hardest thing to do, and leaving this into his control is definitely not easy.

the prayer that i have been constantly praying:

Dear heavenly Father,

I pray that you take control of my feelings. Lord i pray that you will not let this be a hindrance to my relationship with You, but rather allow me to grow from it, and allow me to grow closer to you because of it. Lord i pray that you take my feelings and you do with them what you will. Lord if he feels the same way i pray that you will convict him to do something about, but that Lord everything will be pleasing and glorifying to your name. Lord if you have a different plan for me then i pray that you will help me trust in Your plan, because Your plan is perfect in every way. 

In Jesus’ name i pray,

Amen. 

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