an honest letter from the heart.

dear _________

i have so much to say to you, and so much that i never want to share. i honestly dont know where to begin.

were we BFFs at one point? probably, are we BFFs now? doubtful. Friends? perhaps.acquaintances? maybe. truth is, you mean a lot to me. i do care about you, a lot more than i should. what sucks is that i liked you, you knew that. it was probably the hardest thing that i did, and i don’t know why i did it. it was probably one of the first times that i was that honest with someone, and truly meant what i was saying. i regretted telling you that, you knew that too. i didnt want anything more, i liked our friendship the way it was, and i didnt want anything to change. Despite that, i knew that things did change, maybe it was just me, but i felt like it did.

when i heard about _____, i was happy for you. Maybe a little skeptical… she lives in Venezuela… , but i truly was happy for you. i want to be friends with you, best friends even, so what i don’t understand are the little things. things like touching my face, walking closely behind me, asking me to hold your hand, sending me texts that say “i love you <333333333333333333333333333”, the messages that say “ i think  you are truly beautiful” the little things that i probably over analyze. it sucks mike, it sucks because those little things set off a bunch of chain reactions in my mind.

i want to be friends, nothing more, and nothing less. as much as these little things might not mean anything to you, i really hate that you are playing with my head. it was hard for me to get over you,  its not funny, i brush it off like it doesn’t mean anything but it truly bothers me. Sometimes even when i think that i am completely over you, you interject again with one of those jackass responses which you think are so funny and witty, but let me tell you that it sucks and it hurts. as much as i know that you don’t mean any of it, and its just fun and games for you its hard for me to hear things like that, I don’t want to hear things like that, cause sometimes I find myself wishing that they were true.

i don’t expect an apology, cause I don’t think you did anything wrong, in fact, i expect that you don’t even care. and what sucks is that im probably right. so what i need is to get over it, i need to let it all go. im not asking you to change, what you do, is who you are. But its been tearing me up inside, and i need to put it past me.

Thanks though, for everything. You truly had a way of making me smile, and making me laugh, even when I didn’t want to. I kept all the cheesy pictures, what you may call poems, notes, and drawings. I have all of that, because they meant a lot to me. You were there for me when I needed to rant, you actually called me one day when I needed you. And some of the memories we had in high school were probably some of the funniest and most enjoyable ever. When it comes down to it, you still mean a lot to me.

Don’t doubt for a second that I don’t care about you, cause trust me, I do. I wish I could find out how you are doing, and what you are thinking, and how your life is. I wish I could do all that without talking to you. But understand that when you say things that you don’t mean, when I cant tell apart your lies from the truth, it sucks. When everything is like a joke to you, its funny, and it lightens the mood, but sometimes its not all fun and games.

Would I like an honest response to this? Yes. Do I expect any response at all? Probably not. Do I expect that you have even read this far? No. I bet you just skimmed through it all haha. But thats fine by me. Its part of who you are. I love(d) you as a friend, liked you a little bit more than that, and when we hung out it was nothing more than just fun. I enjoyed it all. So thanks.

❤ Sandra

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