exhausted.

rip me apart at my seams and tear me into pieces. literally. i already feel so exhausted, and camp hasnt even started yet. i just finished sociology, i just started softball and camp training just started, and already im just exhausted.

i cant say no. but i dont want to say yes.

moocheeboochee is changing, left right and centre, im not used to things being so different, im not used to working with people who are like strangers to me. i wonder how the changes will work out, i wonder what this summer is going to be like. i can feel myself tiring out already.

MPS wants me to teach piano. and i CANT. but they cant freaking take no for an answer. and yet they still ask for my freaking availability.

im teaching michael piano. once a week. half an hour. twenty dollars an hour. not so bad right. im so exhausted that last week i just completely forgot to teach him. completely slipped my mind.

i told pastor grant that i would help him with the sunday program, but i couldnt make it on time because my softball game went until eight.

softball – i want to bond with my team i want to make all the practises and all the games, i want to have fun, and not make it a burden. but when im this tired thats all it feels like

auntie susanna wants me to teach piano to victoria. on saturdays and sundays. again. i cant say no. i dont want to say yes. i dont know what to say. i still have to email her back. all because she heard me play the piano for the choir.

the chinese choir. seriously kill me now. i want to serve God, i do. BUT ISNT THERE ANOTHER WAY TO DO IT. i dont like being put underpressure. im not good at it. i make mistakes and i hate that feeling. the feeling where i know that everyone can hear you and even though you arent the centre of attention you are important. avoiding phonecalls wont work. and apparently accidentally screwing up the song, and stopping half way through their performance doesnt work either. I DONT WANT TO. my heart isnt in it. at all.

school. i have to pick courses i have to pick my major i have to rearrange my courses. and i dont even like what im studying. im so discouraged. i have heard difficult things about math, crazy things about french. and im just so confused. i love utm. i love the people there. but im just so insanely lost.

residence. i got charged for a fine. for my washroom, me and my roomate and my parents seem to have misplaced the letter. ok thanks. how am i supposed to appeal something when i dont knwo what i am appealing for.

driving. im so scared. im so scared that im going to fail.. again. there goes my confidence. so yes, lets change the subject.

God. i feel like hes the one person, the one thing that i dont have time for. if i want to spend time with him i will. the thing is i want to spend time with him.. but i DONT.

i want to change that. i want to spend half an hour at least lying on my bed, meditating and reading on the word of the Lord. i want to feel energized because His Holy spirit is in me. i want to feel refreshed because his love has taught me how to love. i want to feel excited because i know that He lives in me and that everything this summer is apart of his plan, I want to grow closer to him, knowing that his relationship is the only one i need, the only one i should care about.

i want that the MOST. but i also want to hang out with my best friends before they go off to university. i want to get ugly tanlines, have week long sleepovers, break doors, and have magazines slipped through the door in the washroom, i want to dress up, and make fun, i want to be encouraged instead of exhausted, i want to laugh, and cry because im laughing so hard, i want to have bets and have contests over the leftover lettuce at the bbqs. i want i want i want. but this summer its not about me. so theres my circle im all confused again.

only thing to describe me right now is…
exhausted.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s